


Plankton hires Gambit to steal the Krabby Patty

by pure1magination



Category: Gambit (Comic), SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Complete crack, Crack Crossover, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:02:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5159609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pure1magination/pseuds/pure1magination





	Plankton hires Gambit to steal the Krabby Patty

Sun glittered off the surface of the Pacific Ocean. The cloudless sky shone bright overhead, and the warm breeze was kicking up cloud after cloud of salty sea spray. Gambit was out in his boat, wearing a bright-purple-and-black wet suit, his hair flowing in the wind. He’d received an anonymous call from an unknown number last night. The guy on the other end of the line had used a voice changer to make his voice really high-pitched, which was slightly odd, because usually they went for deeper voices, but whatever. The point was, the guy had given Gambit specific coordinates on the location of a priceless treasure, and was willing to pay him top dollar to steal it. This was basically Gambit’s idea of the perfect day. He hadn’t taken his boat out in forever; it was so nice to hear the purr of the motor again.

Gambit slowed his precious boat to a stop and pet her side fondly. “That’s mah girl.” He rubbed circles onto the hull. Sea spray kissed his face.

He strapped on the rest of his scuba gear- flippers, goggles, oxygen mask and and tank- and dove underwater.

The anonymous caller had not given him much instruction, past ‘it’s at the bottom of the ocean, you nincompoop.’ Which was not a lot to go on, but the high-pitched voice _had_ alluded to an underground civilization, so Gambit was fully expecting to at least run across Namor or one of his acquaintances.

He was _not_ expecting to land in a miniature town where the tallest buildings only came up to his knees, and his flippers could flatten an entire city block.

Anthropomorphic fish walked casually about the city on their tailfins as though they were legs. Several came to a stop and pointed at Gambit in horror. One fish with pink shells over her nonexistent breasts grabbed a short, fat fish wearing a ball cap, shielded the shorter fish’s eyes, pointed at Gambit, and screamed something. She seemed highly offended.

Gambit tried to find the building most likely to contain the treasure. None of these buildings looked particularly remarkable. No museum, no jewelry store…

The longer he searched, the taller the buildings seemed to become.

No, wait.

Gambit was _shrinking!_

Gambit looked around in alarm.

“Knew that would come in handy,” said a robot wearing a belt with a purple ‘W’ on it. “Move along!” the robot said in an annoyed, nasally voice, shooing people aside with one clawed arm. “There’s nothing to see here. Go on. That’s right. KEEP WALKING OLD MAN!”

“I love the young people,” a fish with thick glasses and liver spots said, walking away on wobbly fins, an absent smile on his face.

“You must be the guy I called last night,” observed the robot. Gambit had the odd feeling the robot was examining him intently. The robot was leaning forward, one claw curled under its glassy chin. “You sounded smarter on the phone.”

“Sacré bleu!” Gambit exclaimed. “Ya shrunk me!” He stared down at himself in dismay.

“Yeah yeah.” The robot waved a claw. “You’ll grow back. Now then! Onto business.” The robot wrapped one noodly appendage around Gambit’s shoulders and pointed at a building which looked like a wooden chest. A shell on a stick outside boasted ‘Krusty Krab’ in red painted letters. “I need you to go in there,” the nasally robot explained, “and fetch me a Krabby Patty!”

“Now hold on a second, homme! Dat sounds like a _burger_ o’ somethin’!”

“That’s because it IS a burger! The best burger in the seven seas!” The robot’s claws gestured longingly, as though he could almost hold the burger between them.

“You made me come all dis way tu steal a _burger?!”_

“I’ll pay you double.”

“One burger, comin’ up!” Gambit strode to the restaurant like it was no big deal that he was roughly six inches tall and surrounded by anthropomorphic sea creatures. A disenchanted-looking squid stood behind a cash register, in a boat, his chin propped up on one tentacle.

“Welcome to the Krusty Krab,” the squid said without looking up from his Fancy Living magazine. “Can I take your order.”

“One Krabby Patty!” Gambit said confidently.

“One Krabby Patty, comin’ right up!” said an enthusiastic yellow kitchen sponge, the top of whose head was just visible through the order window.

It took less than a minute before Gambit’s order was processed.

The bored-looking squid handed Gambit his Krabby Patty. “That’ll be $4.50.”

Gambit made a show of digging into his pockets. “Ah’m afraid Ah don’ have any money.”

The squid sighed. “Just take it.” He muttered something about not getting paid enough for this anyway.

"That's comin' outta yer paycheck, Mister Squidward!" bellowed a fat red crab in casual business attire.

The squid rolled his eyes and muttered something else.

Easiest theft in history accomplished, Gambit strode out of the restaurant.

“You got it!!” the robot crowed victoriously, reaching out with both claws.

Gambit tutted, holding the burger up and away from the robot. “Pay first. _Den_ burger.”

“Fine.” The robot led Gambit to a bucket-shaped establishment called The Chum Bucket. “Wait here,” he said with great annoyance, gesturing towards the empty barstools. It looked like this place was supposed to be a restaurant. There wasn’t even a single tumbleweed. The place was completely empty.

Gambit scanned the menu. Everything on it looked absolutely repulsive—eel fries, barnacle burger, coral nuggets, sea slug sauce—Gambit shuddered just looking at it. No _wonder_ the place was empty!

“All right, here’s your stinkin’ money!” said a one-eyed green bean.

Gambit stared at the miniscule creature. “Where’s de robot?”

“That’s just my suit, you moron!” He brandished the money as high as his short little arms could reach. The wad of cash was nowhere near the pay Gambit was expecting. “Just take it already!”

Gambit crossed his arms. “Dat’s not enough. Ah need proper compensation fo’ mah labor.”

The green bean sighed heavily, threw the money down, darted out of the room, and returned with a suitcase full of money which he angrily dumped on the floor. “There! Take it! Just GIVE ME THE PATTY!”

“All right, all right.” Gambit stooped to scoop up the money. It took about half a second for him to register that this wasn’t real money. It was too small, and had shells on it. Instead of numbers, there were just dollar signs.

The green bean reached out greedily for the burger, but Gambit straightened back up to his full height. “Hold up. Dis ain’t real money.”

“What are you talking about!? Of course it is!”

“Not where _Ah_ come from.”

“Where are you going?!” the angry green bean called after him as Gambit walked out the door. “COME BACK HERE WITH MY PATTY!”

“It ain’t ‘your’ patty.” Gambit left that shyster in the proverbial dust, ignoring the angry shouts that followed him out the door and down the street.

Gambit swam back up to the surface. It occurred to him belatedly that it was going to be much harder to control his boat now.

Hell, it was hard to get _in_ his boat.

After much struggle and a lucky wave, Gambit managed to scramble aboard. He found a comfy place and sat down, removed his scuba mask, and opened his mouth to take a bite of the Krabby Patty. He’d come all this way. May as well.

He raised his eyebrows.

“Dis ain’t half bad!”


End file.
